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Dear Diane,
“What do you do when you realize that the process of reasoning with your child is not working?"
Answer: Parents usually have more behavioural options than children, who can be very reactive, and not very proactive. If you are trying to reason through a conundrum with your child, and you suddenly have a flash of insight that progress is getting stymied, or tempers are rising, you need to stop and think a moment. Just say, “Hang on, I know you are upset, but I need some time to reflect on this, and then I will get right back to you [in ten minutes, after I have my tea, after your nap, after my nap, this evening… whatever].” Remove yourself for a short time. The important thing at this juncture is to gain time to diminish your emotions. It is really hard to think clearly if your amygdala is getting flooded with upset feelings, and if stress hormones are being activated. If you suspect that your children “just need attention”, then give them attention by pulling them onto your lap, or saying, “Do you need attention? Talk to me.” Other than this acknowledgement, it is most important to give them attention in general, by exhibiting pleasure while interacting with them. At one of our CCSDL (Canadian Coalition for Self-Directed Learning) conferences, a psychologist told us that it can also help to hold discussions while a meal is being eaten, because eating reduces stress. When children’s “lids are flipped”, giving them a piece of an apple or a carrot, or a slice of bread that they can roll into balls, can distract them from overwhelming emotions, and calm the conversation.
Deescalating the drama is very important, because drama can balloon out into ridiculous proportions, and cause much harm to everyone. The Harvard Negotiation Project, which has worked on problem solving with big businesses and governmental bodies, has recommended living by the maxim, “Only one person is allowed to get angry at any one time.” If your child is reacting emotionally, it is particularly important that you, as the parent, is remaining calm, reasonable and non-anxious. You may need a few moments to return to this state, if your own emotions are roused. Use this calming period to engage in some self-awareness and reality-checking. It is not useful to moan, “Why me?!” This blaming attitude leaves us powerless and frustrated. Being accountable for ourselves is more work, but much more satisfying.
The sense of getting stuck may be evidence of a variety of genuine stumbling blocks that need to be acknowledged. One possibility is that you, as a parent, are more committed to a particular solution than you initially realized, and meeting resistance is provoking your displeasure. However, you are dealing with the reality that both you and your child have rights and responsibilities, and that flexibility may illuminate a more suitable outcome. This is an opening for reflecting upon whether there might be other constructive possibilities that you could equally value, so that you can change your mind, given this new information. On the other hand, you may have many valid reasons for halting the conversation, if you are not liking the direction it is headed. You might see many problems with what your children want that are beyond their life experience or knowledge to predict, and you may be realizing that you are going to have to introduce them to some new, uncomfortable concepts that may negate their desires. Or you may be suddenly aware that your child is determined on this subject, and you have to deeply analyze why you are resisting it with such equal determination. So many times, children will come up with ideas that are perfectly wonderful, like building and flying a kite—but they take time, require purchases of materials, and require us to stop what we are doing and switch focus. It is so much easier to say, “NO!” It is easier for us, that is, except for having to deal with the disappointment of our children in the thwarting of their grand ideas.
If what your young child wants is unreasonable or impossible in your view, you may give it to them in fantasy, by turning it into something outlandish, and saying such things as, “You know, if I were Queen of the World, and if I really loved you, I would… [buy every Lego set in the country… let you go white water rafting over the Niagara Falls with the new neighbour… fill your room to the roof with candy and let you eat it all at once, etc.]” Then you carry it further, for illustration that the idea has its flaws: “And then I would… [help you build every Lego scene until your room was so full that we couldn’t walk to your bed… rescue you with a helicopter and a rope that I would buy at Staples…become a doctor and fix your sore tummy that’s full of candy, by vacuuming it out!]” The more silly, the more you will both dissolve into giggles, and the drama is broken. It also illustrates with humour that what they want is not really a good idea.
Wanting to engage our children in cognitive reasoning is highly honorable. It acknowledges the great importance for children to learn that making decisions requires thinking about cause and effect, planning for possible consequences, and identifying worthy purposes versus dangerous or nefarious purposes. So, what is required to reason effectively with children and youth? First, we need to be clear about what we are even talking about. This requires listening. Not just, “Uh huh, yeah…go on…”, but active listening, such as what is taught in P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) by Dr. Thomas Gordon. Active listening needs to contain acknowledgement of both the content and the emotion behind what a person says, such as, “So, what you are feeling is…” or “It seems to me that you are struggling with [something] and are overwhelmed with [some feeling] about that.” To be able to do this requires the listener to really focus on the speaker, and to have every intention possible of actually understanding what they mean. So, if you are in the middle of making dinner, you need to say, “Honey, I just have to stir-fry these vegetables and get the salmon out of the oven, and then I will be able to concentrate on you with my whole attention while we are eating.” Splitting your attention feels unsatisfactory to your child, and it feels like inefficient multi-tasking to you. And by the way, listening has to work both ways. A parent can ask a child, “What did I just say?” This lifts them out of any tendency to rant and wail, because it makes them think, in order to answer. If either of you guesses the wrong meaning or feeling, feel free to correct it. I-messages round out the process of communication, by illustrating how certain behaviours have a concrete impact upon us, including our consequential feelings about it. Sometimes, you need to go back-and-forth between active listening and I-messages. If you use this respectful approach, your children will learn how to do it too, and they will not mind listening to you, opening up to you, or being accountable for their actions. These particular communication skills are absolutely essential for any dialogue to be respectful, clear and mutually balanced.
So, once everyone is clear on what is at stake, what people are proposing, and why they prefer that, then they can proceed to the reasoning part. This involves identifying the sources people have used to justify their reasons (like, “Where did you get that idea?” or “Who told you that?”). It includes analyzing the various issues involved (like, what the financial impacts would be, what the costs would be in time and effort, whether you are dealing with facts or opinions, or what competing interests exist on this topic). It includes imagining possible consequences (who would be impacted by each decision, or what cause-and-effect likelihoods exist). Finally, it involves figuring out potential options open to all parties. The concept of logical fallacies can be introduced as children mature. When conversations contain such trip-ups in logic, they need to be pointed out. There is an over-abundance of information in our environment, so there is immense opportunity for learning how to think rationally here. There is also immense opportunity for creativity. The important thing is to make sure that each side shows goodwill. And if someone is tempted to care only about their own needs, they must receive the message that all members of the family are important, and that everyone’s needs count. If words such as, “Who cares?!” are selfishly blurted out, the answer is, “I care. And I need you to care about [me…your brother…your Dad], too.” Using both active listening and I-messages ensures reciprocity, which is crucial for any problem-solving session. You simply need to state that, matter-of-factly, and be firm about it.
The parent’s role in conducting this whole exercise in thinking is to notice when someone needs to listen, to speak, to analyze and to negotiate. We all need to think deeply about the content of ideas presented. Truth matters. Compassion matters. Every individual matters. Most significantly, we are all accountable for our decisions and our actions. That is the point of engaging youth in cognitive reasoning—they need to see their world clearly so they will be able to respond appropriately, and in socially-adept ways.
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