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Answer: It bears mentioning that some children are very amenable to changing their focus, and it is usual for them to willingly go along with preparations to leave their house for an excursion, any excursion—even to school. This question is posed about those children who are, on some occasions, not amenable to such preparations.
The conundrum resonates with parents, because it can be emotionally exhausting and lead to humorous (afterwards) stories that get passed down through the generations. One young child I heard of was so rambunctious and resistant during times of “getting ready” that the mother was too worn out by the process to actually go on the excursion in the end! In this case, the personality of the child was the major factor. Some people describe this type of personality as being “spirited”, or “difficult”, or “resistant to change”, although merely identifying that is cold comfort, because parents still need to cope with the reality of it. Since personality traits have a lifelong impact upon our interactions with our children, once we identify what we are dealing with, then we can learn how to react effectively to our challenges. In this case, patience and persistence and helpfulness will be extraordinarily beneficial, but it is also important to realize that personality is not the only factor operating here.
Parents are not just instinctive creatures. They cultivate values and attitudes about how they will choose to respond, in general, to problems of any sort. These independent choices are the key to empowering parents during their interactions with their children when such social puzzles appear. Long-term relationship building is key for building the basic trust that children need in their care givers. The underlying mutual attachment of parent and child that builds over time will thereafter moderate such situations of stress. It is always wise to cultivate a peaceful, pleasant, non-anxious presence in children’s lives, so that distress and fear are, in general, minimized. The calm and kind way is always the best way, over the long term.
Adults have the ability and benefit of choosing wise short-term responses, as well. This has to do with the communication strategies parents use. This is the core of any plan to deal with any conundrum, because it allows us to detangle and understand the issues. It explains the emotions, while defusing them, so that we can access the rational parts of our brains. Communication is supremely important. The first thing to notice is who has the problem? If it is the child alone who is struggling with a problem, then we need to actively listen, productively offer options (particularly if they are little), and assist them in identifying appropriate solutions. The parent is in the big-picture-seeing role. In this regard, the parent is expected to be knowledgeable about child development, and respectful of the stages that children are at. For instance, it helps parents to know that most young children HATE to be rushed. They are people living “in the zone”, fully immersed in their experiences, and they do not appreciate being interrupted. Adults need to recognize that they actually, constantly, interrupt their children. Moreover, they expect obedience. When they call them for dinner, they want them now. I watched a program about this topic on TV years ago. They showed a grandmother taking her grandchildren around from place to place. She kept saying, “Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!” It was shocking to me, partly because I recognized those words as having come out of my mouth plenty of times! It was humbling. However, this reality can be easily accommodated, simply by giving children proactive messages about the upcoming expectations. This works everywhere. It really does.
However, if the parent has the problem, then an I-message will alert the child that the adult needs, and expects, help. In a family, caring for each other needs to be the ultimate value for all persons. Sometimes, both parent and child have a problem with a situation, such as when the parent wants the child to be on time, and the child wants to dawdle, so that both of them are frustrated. In these cases, then, a conversation has to be held—not in the middle of the time-crunch, but afterwards, when emotions are not aroused—to discuss each person’s motivations and needs. Both parent and child must search for win-win solutions. Repetitive sessions may be held if the initial solutions don’t work. What you are aiming for are real, heart-felt solutions that parent and child each buy into. Some acknowledgement of differing values also needs to happen, but in the end, the concrete, practical solutions need to honor both parties.
This requires both active listening and I-messages, alternating, to identify what is exactly going on. In the P.E.T. classes that Judy Arnall offers us each year, we often refer to the “Bonnie tape” as a favorite illustration of this process. It starts off with the Mom sitting down with Bonnie, who is 5, and explaining that their morning routine of Bonnie’s resistance to going to school has been causing a big problem for her. She initiates some questioning to figure out the source of Bonnie’s resistance. At the beginning, the Mom assumes that Bonnie is not happy at kindergarten, and offers some feedback in that direction. However, the conversation takes a turn when Bonnie reveals that she is actually happy at school, but misses time with her Mom since her baby brother came along. The solution, therefore, ends up being very different from what her Mom first assumed it would be. It was that Bonnie would share time with her mother when her brother was having a nap, and that Bonnie would get dressed for school the night before, so that she would be ready faster in the morning! Effective listening and responding requires from us both open-mindedness and flexibility. So, when parents take this time, away from the heat of the moment, to actually check in with their children, to empathetically respond to what they hear, and to expect such consideration from their children, then the solutions simply arise. It works like crazy.
Using this mutually-respectful method, parents will confront the child’s feelings about the destinations the parents have chosen, whether it is Grandma’s house, or school or the Zoo. They will have to respond sensitively to their children’s fears, and desires, and wishes for control over their own lives. The actual solutions offered, such as starting earlier to get ready, making notes to remind them, receiving more help from the parent, using a timer, leaving the child out of some excursions…whatever…don’t really matter. What matters is that both the parent and the child agree and commit to them. Voilà!
The conundrum is solved!
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