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Diane's Answer:
There is no “one-size-fits-all” solution here. As with many issues, there will be different perspectives, depending upon the life experience, values, and attitudes of the parents, as well as their financial situation. This answer reflects mine. There are several parts to this question. The underlying question is, “Should children be made to do chores?” Another one is, “Should children be paid for doing chores?” A third question is, “Are rewards helpful in accomplishing chores?” A fourth question might be, “Should children be given money of their own, and if so, should that be only if they do something to ‘earn’ it?”
To answer the first one first, if chores are those cleaning tasks involved in everyday living, and are seen as a contribution to that community, then it is reasonable to expect that help, simply as a matter of course. Each person in the group could be expected to help out the group in their own individual way. Children should have some choice in the chores they do; this will give them a sense of ownership. Every family is different in the way they allot the tasks that need to be done on a daily basis, and they differ in terms of timing, standards, frequency, and so on. Each family has to work that out, and in one way or another, they do. Where children are involved, the first thing to consider is that any chore needs to be appropriate to the developmental stage the child is at. A child of 8 should not be held responsible for, say, doing his entire laundry from start to finish, because he is probably not organized enough to remember the timing of the steps. I know a case where a child was expected to do this at this age, and several times he went to school in the midst of winter with wet clothes on. This was not the worst consequence: he learned to hate being made to do chores. As a teenager, he felt resentment about his early experience, and out of a sense of resistance, he still neglected fundamental chores. What we are trying to do is to demonstrate to children the work that goes into maintaining our living space, to help them gain skill in doing so, and to establish comfortable expectations about participating in that communal activity. We want them to want to help the other members of their family. Appreciation for work done should always be given, both as a reflection of feeling authentic gratitude, and as a role model for humbly expressing gratitude.
Seen in this light, being paid for it would only make sense if every person in the group got paid for doing chores. This is not usually the way chores go. This leads us to the third issue, whether being paid is a bribe worth giving. My personal belief is NO. Giving a child a bribe simply teaches her that she needs a bribe to do it, and that the activity itself has less inherent value than the bribe. This is contrary to our goal of encouraging them to create a living space that is clean, healthy, and aesthetically pleasing. This is a supremely important goal—no bribe has a value worth more than that. Also, rewards are manipulative, and this pollutes the relationship between parent and child. The parent ought to be able to simply and openly explain the reasoning behind doing chores. There are good reasons for it. No manipulation is worth creating the sense of coercion that lurks behind it. This is particularly true if parents accompany the giving of money for chores with the taking away of money as punishment for misbehaviour. That is a distasteful and distrust-inducing experience for children. It is always wise of parents to not risk distancing their children through a bald show of power.
To the fourth question, I would answer YES to the part about giving children access to their own money. In the service of teaching children the value of money, the experience of having some of their own is a definite help. This is behind the idea of an “allowance”. Living within an allowance is a useful idea, unless that allowance is so small that the only items that they can afford to purchase with it is candy or trinkets that break on the way out of the store. This is the biggest problem—the small size of these payments. It is not necessary for their money to be earned. Sometimes, parents can put away birthday money or other gifts, explaining to the child that they are saving it for some future goal that the child agrees to. That is their money, and they can plan and dream about the spending of it.
Children can also be encouraged to be entrepreneurial—to set up a lemonade stand, or give the parents a performance of skits, or mow the neighbor’s lawn, or shovel their sidewalk, or weed your garden (any task they would agree to that is beyond the normal run of chores).The truth is that big items, like clothing or games or sports equipment or musical instruments, will be purchased by the parents anyway, because parents have that parental duty, and they want to support a positive and stimulating life experience for their children. They need to concertedly cultivate their children’s talents and interests, and this often costs money that they simply have to spend. Along with these purchases, they are wise to give appropriate explanations about affordability, timing, need, and so on. Again, children’s opinions need to be respected regarding these financial choices.
It is helpful if parents, or communities, or schools, gave children instruction on financial management. Schools do this formally in grade 11, within the CALM course. Other resources can be accessed in all of these spheres for this purpose, and it is a good idea.
~ Synopsis ~
Diane’s step-by-step reasoning:
- Families will differ on this issue, because it is a values question.
- Regarding whether children should participate in household chores, the answer usually is yes.
- The chores need to be developmentally appropriate.
- The chores should give opportunity for choice.
- The purpose to keep in mind is showing respect for maintenance of one’s living space, and respect for other household members.
- Parents need to explain the real reasons for doing chores.
- Appreciation is a gift worth giving.
- Payment for chores is not the point.
- Payment is a reward, and both rewards and punishment are not worth it, because these mechanisms between parent and child are:
- manipulative,
- power-laden, and
- distancing
- Yes, children need experience with money in order to value it, not waste it, and spend it wisely.
- Allowances are one way of giving money to children, but there are problems to keep in mind:
- The amount is often so small that what they can purchase is useless or even harmful.
- Parents can be tempted to give with one hand, and take away with another—the allowance becomes a bribe, with a threat attached whereby the parent coerces good behaviour along with the reward. This makes the whole process distasteful to children.
- Children can be urged to save money given to them as gifts.
- It is useful to help children figure out entrepreneurial ways of making money within their grasp, and assist them if they need it.
- Parents have responsibilities to fund their children’s clothing, sports, music, art, dance, or other activities that develop their interests and abilities. They have to accept this, within their means. They can explain the reasons why they choose what they choose, and when. Again, choice needs to be given to children regarding these expenditures, for buy-in.
- The community, as a whole, needs to take responsibility for teaching children money management. They need it.
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